Oops, Caught Real Feelings

Chapter 1

Amity

I sigh, long and slow as I stare into the mirror. My long brown curls are not doing what I need them to do today, but I’m already running late.  

“Good enough,” I murmur. The last thing I need is to be stuck on assistant duty for even longer just for not showing up on time.

I back up so that I can see my entire outfit in the mirror and smooth out my purple blouse. It pairs well with my dark gray slacks, but it’s far from what I’d call stylish. 

I’ve been promising myself for months now that when I get a raise, I’ll buy new work clothes. Better ones. If only that day would come sometime soon.

Grabbing the stick of lip gloss off of the counter, I swipe it across my lips before rushing out of the bathroom. My eyes skim the apartment for my purse, but after a couple of minutes, I still can’t find it.  

“Where are you?” I wonder out loud. “Oh! There you are!”

I spot it on top of some of my old sketchbooks and grab it, digging through it to find my keys before heading out the door. I practically run outside and downstairs to my car.  

The ride to work is uneventful, and thankfully, I arrive five minutes early. As soon as I walk inside, the stuffy air hits me right in the face.  

“Good morning, Amity!” one of the senior designers says, nodding at me as she walks by.

“Good morning, Trisha!”

“Oh, hey, there’s a meeting in a half hour in conference room one. Would you mind setting the room up with some coffee for us? I know a couple of the designers aren’t going to have time to grab some beforehand.”

“No problem!”  

“Thank you!”

I continue walking to my desk, keeping the fake smile on my face the entire way there. But as soon as I sit down, the sight of my sketches littering the desk causes my smile to fade.  

I reach out and touch one of them, my fingers ghosting over the paper. I had been playing around with ideas for a luxurious European-style villa, and this one turned out really well.

As I set my purse in one of my desk drawers, my eyes stay focused on the sketch. In my mind, I can see the villa perfectly. Its tall columns and multiple balconies. The outside looks magnificent, but it’s the inside that really makes it unique.   

“Amity, would you mind making some copies for the senior design meeting?”

I look up, all thoughts of the European villa evaporating.  

“Sorry, Oscar, what did you say?”

“I need some copies printed for the meeting in conference room one. Can you do that and then put one in front of each chair around the table in there?”

“Oh! Of course, no problem.”  

“Great, I’ll email you the files. Thank you!”

I shoot him a smile, just as fake as the one I wear for Trisha. With one glance back down at my sketch, I boot up my computer. An email from Oscar pops up as soon as I’m logged in. I click on it, reviewing the files before sending them to the printer.  

I stand up and glance around the room. It’s a Monday, so the office is fuller than most days. Most people are either chatting in small groups or at their desks, already getting started for the day.

I like being surrounded by so many people who take the job seriously, but it makes me sad that I’m not really considered as one of them. To them, I’m just the girl who gets their drinks, the girl who makes their copies. The girl who sets up meetings or orders them lunch.  

It’s not exactly what I signed up for when I took this job. At least, it wasn’t what I thought I was signing up for.

I nod at Penny, who meets my eye from across the room. She gives me a small wave before returning to her conversation.  

Making my way across the office, I walk into the printing room, where my copies are already sitting, waiting for me. I grab them and head back out, walking down the hall to conference room one.

It’s the biggest conference room here, reserved for the most important meetings. Meetings that I’m never invited to or even considered for. 

Once I’ve distributed the copies, one in front of each chair, I head to the break room. I fill up coffee cup after coffee cup before grabbing some cream and sugar. The meeting isn’t for another ten minutes, but people usually start arriving pretty early.  

Once the room is prepped, I head back to my desk. But as people file into the conference room, I can’t help but watch them. I would give anything to sit in that room with them, even just to learn.

The door shuts with a loud click. It feels like a slap in the face.  

When I look back down at my desk, the sketches only emphasize how I’m feeling inside. This job means everything to me, but I’m not even getting to actually do that job.

I shake my head, shoving the papers aside so I can get back to work.  

Luckily, the rest of the day passes quickly at least.  I don’t have much time to ruminate on my stagnant career. 

“Have a good night, see you tomorrow!”

“You too, Pam! See ya!” I say as I walk out the door.

Since this morning, the day has turned into a soggy mess. It’s pouring outside, and I have to hold my purse over my head so my curls don’t get wet. It feels kind of fitting. The thunder mimics how I’m feeling inside.  

As I drive back home, I feel like I just lived a day in the life as a robot. I do nothing but menial tasks. I do nothing real. Not one ounce of creativity gets to leave my mind. The closest I get to designing anything is when I add cream to my coffee, watching the white and brown colors swirling together.

I turn the music in the car up loud to drown out my thoughts, and the drive goes by in a blur. I barely even remember getting out and walking upstairs to my apartment, but when I see my landlady standing in front of my door, I snap out of my fog.  

“Linda, what are you doing here?”

Linda turns around, her face stern. She holds up a piece of paper.  

“I was just about to tape this notice to your door, but this is even better. Your rent is late again, honey. This can’t keep happening.”

My heart thuds against my chest. I can’t lose this apartment. I might never find another one in my price range.   

“I... I’m sorry. Look, I get paid soon. Can you please just give me some more time?”

Linda shakes her head. “You signed the same lease as everyone else. No one else in the building is late, and if they are, they pay the fines. I can’t be giving anyone special treatment.”

The frantic feeling inside me rises. This day really could not get any worse.  

“Please. I’m not trying to scam you or anything. I’ve just been having a hard time recently, and I’m trying to get on top of my finances. Please, just give me more time.”

“If you can’t pay it today, right now, then you’re subject to the fines. It’s in your lease.”

I swallow, trying hard not to cry.  

“I can’t pay any fines, and I can’t pay it today. But I promise you that I will pay my rent. I will do anything if you would just let this pass this one time. I’ll clean the hallways, the walls, the carpet, whatever you want.”

Linda stares at me. After a moment, she sighs and shakes her head. “I don’t need you to clean anything. I already have a maintenance staff.”  

She looks around the hall as if she’s trying to think of a solution. Finally, she looks back at me. The slightest hint of sympathy sparks in her eyes, making me feel even more pathetic.   

“Fine. Just this once, I will give you an extension. But this can never happen again, okay? If you’re late next month, then you will either have to pay the fines or you will be evicted. Do you understand?”

“Yes, of course. Thank you so much, Linda. And I’m sorry for this. It won’t happen again.”

She just breezes past me, mumbling to herself as she walks down the hall to the elevator. I unlock my door as quickly as I can.  

As soon as I’m in the comfort of my own apartment, the tears burst out of me. I walk to the couch in my living room and sink into the soft cushions.  

This is not how my life was supposed to be. I thought I’d set reasonable expectations for myself, but I can’t even reach those.

After a few minutes of crying, I wipe my face dry, attempting to pull myself together. As I reach for the box of tissues on my coffee table, my eyes fall on the sketch book sitting there. I grab a tissue as well as the book.

When I flip it open to the first page, I can’t help but smile at what looks back at me. The biggest building I’ve ever sketched. A skyscraper in Chicago. I was so proud of this when I finished it.

Part of me feels sad because I know that it’ll stay on this page forever. But the longer I stare at it, the more I start to think... Maybe it doesn’t have to.  

Maybe I’m giving up too easily, letting myself slip into a depression when really, what I should be doing is trying even harder. Putting everything I have into this career. As a Black woman, I’ve known my whole life I might have to work harder than anyone else to be taken seriously. But that doesn’t mean I can’t do it. 

I wipe the remaining tears off of my face and pick up the pencil that was lying next to my sketch book. I flip to the next blank page and stare at it, letting my mind slip into the creative headspace that I love so much.